Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
