NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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