I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
