I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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