You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Randomize
