So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
