I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I can't turn off my feet"
you never un-have a 4some
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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