Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
