Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
