it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
