Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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