If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
