Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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