When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just high enough for therapy.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
