who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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