and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
