ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
