hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
