Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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