Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
