My liver just broke up with me...
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
