Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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