I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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