U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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