I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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