there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
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He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
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Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
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