"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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