If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Randomize
