im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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