Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
this just has baby written all over it
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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