I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
