My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
