The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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