I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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