This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
