Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
