i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
