jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
