I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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