this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
