I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
i out mim tonsoeep
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
