coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
