I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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