I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
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he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
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Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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