I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
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