Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
