my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
