awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
