i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
