Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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