i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize