the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
