I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
