Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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