dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
